Extracts from the court transcript of Welcome Break Ltd V Neil Gaiman
SIR JUSTIN BUFTON (For the defence): Mr Gaiman, would you please tell us your occupation and your reason for visiting the Membury Services on the morning of 14 February, 2021?
GAIMAN: I'm a writer. I was on my way to Cardiff for a book launch event and stopped at Membury to use the toilet and buy some breakfast.
SIR JUSTIN BUFTON: And can you tell us, in your own words, what happened after you entered the service area?
GAIMAN: It was a cold, wet morning, around 7am. A Wednesday, as I recall. Tendrils of mist seemed to follow my car along the slip road. A recent road kill (which seemed to be a male deer) looked up at the heavens with a desperate eye. I stopped in the car park, next to a large, black Range Rover. I recall the registration: W0 RLD.
I walked briskly across the car park to the services building. As I entered the door, another dark suited man was exiting – he was talking into a Bluetooth headset, something about a target.
The bright strip-lighting of the service building blazed into my weary eyes, and the inane tune from a child's arcade game played on an endless loop. I loped toward the men's toilets, being greeted by a strong waft of disinfectant and urine. The siren wail of dryers punctuated the air.
A man – dressed as an attendant – was standing just inside the entrance, the hand-washing area.
“Gaiman, this way!” He whispered urgently. He turned, without waiting. Dumbstruck I followed him towards his small service room. He ushered me in, closing the door. Immediately the ground seemed to drop away, and we were plunging down in a lift of some kind. That was when things began to spin and I think I blacked out..
When I came to, I was lying on the ground in a rock-hewn tunnel, lit only by a small strip light. A striking red-haired woman was leaning over me.
“Ah, you're awake at last. That's good, as I've got something to tell you”
“Wh.. Who are you? I stammered
“You can call me Mrs Fox” She said slyly
LORD JUSTICE FONT-FACE: Mr Gaiman! This is hardly germane to the case in hand. Please stick to the FACTS. Sir Bufton!
SIR JUSTIN BUFTON: Mr Gaiman, thanks for your interesting and circuitous introduction. But please proceed to the main alleged misdemeanour that brings you here today.
GAIMAN: Thats just it! Mrs Fox then said “I want you to listen to me carefully – You must restore Lord Anhanga by capturing the Star of the Buck”
Mrs Fox told me to follow the tunnel and just like that, she disappeared. I stumbled along in darkness for some time. Suddenly the tunnel opened out into a large dark space and I noticed the quality of the ground beneath my feet changing. It was moist and organic and there was suddenly a very strong smell of coffee. I realised I was standing at the edge of a lake of some kind, but not water. It was sticky, syrupy and smelled of .. vanilla.
I circled around the shore of the strange lake, coming to an abandoned rowing boat on the far side. I could see a bright light shining far out across the syrup. Lacking any other idea, I got in the boat and rowed towards this light. It was hard work against the heavy syrup, so before long I was down to my shirtsleeves. After a long time, I drew up on the shore of a small island. By then, the light was so bright I had to shield my eyes.
At the centre of the island, atop a small rise, was a dais, and a statue of a mermaid. She was wearing an ornate crown, and then I saw that the source of the light was a silver star in the centre of the crown. I knew instinctively that this was the Buck's Star, that I had to take it. When I reached out and took it I felt the ground beneath me begin to shift and heave. I tucked it into my shirt pocket and rowed like mad for the shore.
I found my way back to the tunnel, by now tired and sweating, caked in the dark rank soil. I found my way barred by a large pig-like man with a shiny face, wearing a cream coloured puffer jacket.
“Not so fast young man, I think you have something of ours..”
“What? Who are you?” I asked breathlessly
“You can call me Mr Gregg” said the man gruffly, and began to advance, pulling a rolling pin from his jacket pocket.
But what Gregg had in weight I had in speed. I was able to duck past him, back to the lift and soon found myself back in the men's toilets, where everything seemed normal again.
SIR JUSTIN BUFTON: And what happened after you returned to the car park?
GAIMAN: The mist was very thick outside and I had trouble finding the direction of my car. I must have taken a wrong turn, as I soon entered some woodland, beyond which was a farmers field. As I walked forward, a large shape loomed from the fog. It was a male deer, young but proud, with an ethereal glow. Its hide was of a brilliant white, its eyes were of ruby red.
“You have come to return my star. I am grateful, human”
I pulled out the star and pressed it to the forehead of the deer. There was a flash of light and a chorus of animal cries from the surrounding woods. I must then have blacked out – I woke up again in my car, the radio playing the Zoe Ball Breakfast Show.
SIR JUSTIN BUFTON: Thank you Mr Gaiman. There will be no further questions.
SIR LIONEL LUCRE (for the prosecution): The prosecution calls Mr Tarquin McAdam.
Mr McAdam, please tell us your occupation and your interest in the alleged crime.
MCADAM: I'm Chief Operating Officer for The Welcome Break Group. This incident has led to significant reputational damage and loss of revenue, not just from Membury but from all stations.
SIR LIONEL LUCRE: And can you elaborate on the nature of the damage to your company?
MACADAM: We are a hardworking company and beloved brand, committed to a delightful customer experience for all of the 85 million travellers who visit our services each year hunting essential rest and revitalisation. It is therefore extremely disappointing that Mr Gaiman took it upon himself to remove this star from one of our flagship stations.
Since his ill-advised action, we have experienced multiple problems at Membury. Large potholes have opened up on the slip roads and within the station concourse routes. Customers have reported that the coffee tastes like burned oil. Sticky puddles have appeared below all of the men's urinals. Nobody goes into the WHSmiths. And then there are the animals.
SIR LIONEL LUCRE: What are the animals doing?
MACADAM: They are no longer afraid. They come in close, and at night their eyes light up in the headlights. Customers are spooked and there have been some accidents. Our marketing department predicts a net downturn of 12-18% over the next two quarters.
SIR LIONEL LUCRE: Thank you, Mr Macadam. Your honour, no further questions.
LORD JUSTICE FONT-FACE: Members of the jury, you have heard the case against Mr Gaiman. To the charge of theft and criminal damage, how do you find the defendant?
JURY FOREPERSON: Guilty
GAIMAN: Wait a minute! I know that man! He's the toilet attendant!
murmurs and exclamations of “Mistrial!” amongst court attendees
— Paul M CC BY-SA
